I'm Back and I Posted A Video!

Sorry I haven't been blogging for the last week or so, I was bogged down with some other projects and such, but I'm BACK and I posted a proof of life video :)

Finally Posting a Poem :)

If you are new to reading the blog... I will post the warning again...my poems are dark (I'm not a depressed person, it's just freeing to tap into other people's emotions and utilize the full creative spectrum). So, you've been warned :) But this is one I wrote over the weekend because I had just read an article about a mental institution and I was wondering what the people inside of those places felt like. Enjoy!!

Pain and suffering pounce at the door

They ooze through your skin-- from the walls, from the floor

The stark monotony of the halls and the cells

Where “commitment” means shackles and not wedding bells

Locks and bars cannot prohibit

Malicious intent against oneself

And pharmaceutical drugs cannot inhibit

The soul’s regretful journey

Through its own cranial hell

They battle through life—

Every torturous breath

While freedom for them

Lives only in death

So these talking heads
Lay in hospital beds---

It’s not safe where they lie

It’s not safe where they hide…

Scared to be together, terrified of being alone,

They’ve nowhere to stay, but nowhere to go--

Nowhere to stay, but nowhere to go…

ADD Isn't Working For Me

I think it's time to set a word count goal for myself again. 

I have so many projects going on right now, I need a tangible goal every week. That is what I did with my first book and it worked so amazingly well, I actually ended up exceeding the lofty goal week after week until the book was finished, but I needed that incentive. 

I want to be dedicating myself full-time to everything right now...my first book's release, my memoir, my new book and the other project I'm working on that will coincide with my memoir and I'm not actually giving anything the full attention it deserves. Since I don't have an agent, I do have to do everything myself and I'm not able to juts focus on little parts of each project, which is difficult. Many established writers can just focus on their writing or promotions. I have to do the proposal, writing, editing, cover designs, marketing packages and advertising, all on my own...which in this stage also includes researching and figuring out how that works in this industry. So, it's a lot of work...and don't get me wrong...I chose this path...I'm not complaining, I'm just wishing I had more hours in the day and more answers more quickly. But, when all is said and done, I will be glad I did it this way because I'll truly know my industry and my market...it's just hard right now :)

That being said, I don't mind being on the hamster wheel at all, I just need to pick a wheel and be on ONE of them instead of trying to be on four of them at the same time. I think perhaps I should finish the release of my first book, which might take another month or so and then work on either the memoir and accompanying package or move on to dedicate myself to the next fiction novel at that time. I also think the quality of my writing will be stronger if I am doing that because I do much better when I am really intensely focused on something.

I guess that is the plan :) Maybe today my blog did serve as sort of a journal! I am going to sign off right now and work on the final stages of prepping my novel for Kindle release (the research, the marketing, etc.) and I will keep you all updated on what the next phase will be...not sure if I feel more passionate about memoir or fiction after that, but I will let my heart decide when I am at that point...that's kind of the way of the writer, anyway! 

Cliches and Holidays

I'm not going to go too far into Thanksgiving because I am trying to keep this blog about writing and not about my day-to-day personal stuff, but I am still so excited about what a wonderful Thanksgiving I had, I just wanted to say that I hope you all had a day that was equally as beautiful, if not more.

It's funny because it's always easy to use holidays as milestones in our lives to think about where we were or what we were doing at that exact time the year prior or many years ago. At Thanksgiving last year, I remember telling everyone that I was almost finished writing a book. The funny thing is that as I was talking about it, I doubted in my own head whether I would ever actually finish writing it. In fact, I doubted my ability to write a novel all the way until I had finished my THIRD edit. It took that long for it to actually sink in that I had really done it. I kept thinking that after I turned each page, the rest of the pages would either be blank or not make sense or that something would be terribly wrong and that the book wouldn't actually be finished. 

Finally, after reading it three times and frankly, getting kind of sick of it, I finally accepted that I had written my first book :)

Anyway, so using last year as my gauge...to go from wondering whether or not I would ever even finish it and not knowing what I would do after that to where I am now is nothing short of a miracle for me. I've completed it, polished it and most importantly, I believe in it. I'm proud to send it to agents and publishers. I'm thrilled to tell people about it.  In fact, once you get me talking about it, it's hard for me to shut up about it (hard to believe from someone who was nicknamed "motormouth" that I would talk a lot about anything, I know). Last year, at Thanksgiving, I remember telling someone that my book was "nothing special" and that it was just "a regular fiction book that is ...I don't know...nothing really exciting...." In all fairness, that was before I wrote the awesome ending :) but it's just the fact that I wasn't willing to call myself a writer until now....which is a huge transformation (that will be part of my next book, or at least my memoir) and all of that is really exciting for me. 

When it comes down to it, the saying "what a difference a day makes" is certainly true...but the difference that three hundred and sixty five of them can make is pretty astounding!

Timely Words

It is strange, but I often get random song lyrics or just phrases (often quotes) in my head and while they seem random at first, they always apply to something I'm going through or need to hear at that point in my life. I'm not sure where they come from...maybe my subconscious, or maybe my conscious mind, I don't really know, but I will just be in the middle of something and in what feels like it came out of nowhere, I will hear the words loud and clear. Ironically, that is often how I write most of my best poetry as well. I just hear or even see the words as text in my head and I go write them down somewhere.

But yesterday, I had the experience where I heard lyrics and it was what I really needed to hear. It's kind of cool...it's almost like I have an internal therapist somewhere in there :) What won't come as much of a surprise, I'm sure, is that this and many of the other instances have been Stevie Nicks' lyrics. They aren't always, though. In fact, sometimes they are lyrics of songs I don't even like or quotes from people I don't even necessarily admire or respect, but I hear them when I need to hear them. It's a very strange phenomenon and I'm sort of flushing it out as I write it.

Often times, since I keep a journal, I will go and journal about the lyric/quote I heard/thought of and what it means to me at that point in my life. I didn't do that yesterday, but since I'm blogging now, I will just write it here...although I'm not going to elaborate on what it means because there is a fine line between what I will blog and what I keep in my journal (don't worry, I'm not keeping stuff from you guys, it's just that THAT stuff is going in the memoir!)

...anyway, the lyric was from Landslide and it was "Well I've been afraid of changin' cause I built my life around you..." and no, it's not about a relationship.

Heard From The Agent...

Ok, so I promised I would update as soon as I got news on the exclusive I had with that agent....and I finally heard back today.

As of today, my status is....drum roll please....back on the market!

I guess if this were Facebook, I would have just gone from "It's complicated" to "single." :)

Am I mad? Not at all. Disappointed? Of course, I'm human.

What I am happy about, though is that someone took the time to read my work. Even more importantly, I know it actually was considered by an agent that I really like and respect, which in itself is an accomplishment. Plus, I trust and value her opinion, so it is not just "another rejection," it is something I take to heart and am really looking at what might need to be tweaked. I am honestly grateful for that opportunity and now I feel like I can't say that my book wasn't given fair consideration, because this agent did give it the attention that I was hoping someone would give it.

I really wish she would have liked it, but that is a matter of personal preference. As I discussed in my post "From the Agents' Point of View," we all pick up books we don't like...and then we put them back down. That's the beauty of having such a wide selection of books to choose from. Plus, most of us aren't trained to read books with the keen eye that agents are. To be honest, I would hate to have their jobs--I know that as I hone my craft, I will look back on probably my first and second novels and see how much I needed to improve...and they have to read that stuff all day long, and then try to sell it.

I guess the fact that this particular agent didn't stay up all night turning the pages of my book could mean a number of things...but it might mean something so simple as her preferring not to read the style that I write in. After all, I will be the first to tell you, I am no Pat Conroy. I would actually say my writing style is more aligned with Sophie Kinsella's (Madeleine Wickham). While my topics go a lot deeper than hers do (no disrespect, she is one of my favorite authors), we have a similar voice--admittedly she is the Celine Dion and I am the American Idol contestant singing a Celine Dion song...but nevertheless. Not everyone can get into that. It's a little hyper-cerebral, but in a scatter-brained sort of way and has a lot of inner dialogue going on.

Wow...after reading that last paragraph back to myself, I guess my blogging style isn't much different than my novel-writing style, is it? :) Our writing doesn't stray much from our true selves, apparently, even if we do call it "fiction"....

Anyway, so those are the results, as promised. I am sorry that I am not posting with better news, but one of these days I will have good news and we will celebrate that together :) For now, I will keep moving forward...now that I am free to send to agents again, I have two or three that I am considering sending to...otherwise, it's off to the writer's conference and then if all else fails, the book will be on Kindle soon enough!

Another New Video :)

Bella is back by popular demand!

Weeding Out

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would be 100% honest with everything that I put up here. That is why I have posted my rejection letters, that is why I have vented my frustrations or shared on the days that I am feeling more optimistic...and I will continue to do that.

So, in the spirit of honesty, I haven't written anything in almost two days. That goes for this blog, which I'm sure many of you have noticed, as well as my writing outside of the blog (my novels, poetry, memoir, etc.). I had a lot of thoughts swirling inside of my head with things I wanted to write, but I just didn't feel like writing, which is extremely unusual for me.

It's not that I don't know why, either.

Writing is a tough gig. I'm going to be honest about that, too. Sure there are some people who know the right people or who possibly get lucky...not that they're not good writers, but in this business, it seems that getting your stuff in front of the right people is 90% of the battle and writing is only the other 10%. For the rest of us, though, we have to keep writing new stuff and keep whoring ourselves out to any media outlet or literary connection we can find with the hope that the right pair of eyes will see it and like it. It isn't always fun...in fact, it never really is. The only fun part is the writing...the 10%...so in all truthfulness, 90% of being a writer really isn't very fun at all.

I suppose it's just about loving the other 10% THAT much where you are fulfilled enough by it to push through the rest-- the part that is the demeaning, ego-destroying, hope and dream-crushing process that is trying to get your writing recognized. In the end, I've realized that the ones who endure are those who are writing for the love of writing...and that like most other things, this might all just be a weeding out process.

That being the case, I'm in it for the long-haul...I write because I love to write...even if I have to do something on the side...even if it's another ten years before I get published or if my writing never gets recognized, I'm never going to stop writing because that will mean I've clamped the valve that flows from my soul.

What is the take-away from this blog? I'm not sure if I was convincing myself that it is ok to keep pushing through for what you love when the going gets tough or if I was writing it for someone else out there who might be in the same position and feeling the same way...or perhaps both.

So, to that person...if you're out there...Let's make a deal...Do what you love, and so will I :)

No News Is...Just No News!

So, I've been keeping myself pretty busy lately, but every once in awhile, someone will ask me if I've heard back from the agent who has an exclusive on my book yet.

Of course, I will update right away when I do hear something. That being the case, the fact that I haven't posted anything about it is neither good nor bad, it simply just is :)

When I sent out my first round of queries awhile back, I waited on pins and needles after someone requested material. I was literally nauseous every time I saw an email from an agent because I was so worried about what they were going to say.

I can't say I don't know what has happened between then and now, because I do, but this time around is a completely different experience. I want it just as badly...if not more, but that desire is manifesting itself differently in terms of the energy.  The only way to really articulate it is to say that where before I had the nausea and anxiety, which were negative energy, now I am just excited and somehow strangely calm about all of it, which is a much more positive energy.

I believe that my book is going to land in the right hands and if this agent is reading it and liking it, that is wonderful!  If, on the other hand, she is reading it and not enjoying it, I doubt she'd be very excited about pitching it to publishers, first of all, and second of all, me getting nauseous about it isn't going to make her change her mind.

...and that is sort of where I'm at.  So...for those of you who had been asking if I'd heard back yet, there is your (long-winded) answer... BUT I promise you that I will post news as soon as I have any! :)

Another New Video!

As promised, a new video...I never promised it would be exciting, though :)

A Purist...Or Just Antiquated?

As I juggle back and forth between writing poetry and book material, I've noticed a funny little quirk that I have (one of many).

When I write poetry, I absolutely have to write with pen and paper. When I write for a book, however, I absolutely have to write on the computer. I won't even brainstorm with traditional writing utensils.

It's very strange, but I actually get writer's block if I try to interchange those methods. On those rare instances when, somehow, I am able to force something out, it's noticeably sub par.

I haven't been able to figure out why this is...I don't know if it's because I actually have different writing styles when I write poetry versus when I write novels or if it's because I'm just plain crazy :) I'm leaning more toward the latter! Honestly, though, when I write poetry, it is not linear at all (no pun intended). I will write a line that I want to start the poem with and then go 2/3 of the way down the page and write a line that I want to appear midway through the poem and then go back up and write the beginning of the poem again and the whole thing ends up being a chaotic mess with chicken scratch ALL over the page--in the margins, in between lines, over and underneath words, but somehow it all makes sense to me.

It is that process, of being able to take the words from all over the place and fitting them together like a puzzle of abstract art where only I know what the final product is supposed to look like that I enjoy most. So, to be confined to the neat little lines and keystrokes on a computer screen just completely constipates my thought process when it comes to poetry.

For novels, on the other hand, I find comfort in that confinement. I feel like that keeps me on track. I have weekly word goals to meet and I can fit a certain number of words on each page--they are great little "mile markers" for me. I also feel like I'm always working toward my goal because there isn't any doodling going on (it's amazing how many times one can mindlessly write their name on a piece of paper when sitting there bored without even noticing), I'm not filling the pages with junk that I have to sift through later for the "good stuff" and I'm making sure that all of my time is being spent productively (which often means shutting down my internet connection because I often lack discipline). Regardless, it gets done :)

Case in point...here is a single page out of one of my poetry notebooks. Can you imagine a novel's worth (90-100,000 words) of this?!?

What Would Freud Say?

I've been reading a lot of my old poetry lately and writing a lot of new material...and I have to say, there is a definite theme to my writing...even to my novels, actually. I like to write dark stuff.

This is really puzzling to me because I'm a really happy person and I'll come right out and say it, I don't have anything "buried" in my past, so I can't figure out why I have this fascination with death, crimes, criminals, psychopaths, etc., but alas, I'm intrigued... and most of my material has some thread of that in there.

It's interesting because if someone were to find my creative writing (not my journals or anything) long after I'm gone, they would say I must have lived this dark existence, much like we think about Edgar Allen Poe (I'm on a Poe kick right now) and even many classical musicians who wrote tragically brilliant material, but did they really? Maybe they were just like me where they lived these perfectly normal lives and writing was their complete escape where what they wrote was completely antithetical to their own lives.

Maybe they weren't deeply disturbed or hiding anything at all...maybe that is something we fabricate in our own minds because we want them to be more exciting than they actually were?

Perhaps they were even better writers than we give them credit for because they WERE able to tap into those emotions without ever having experienced them.

All I know is that I would love to see what Freud would have had to say about my writing. Unless there is some past life that I'm unaware of, I couldn't have written a better childhood for myself and that goes all the way down to the very last detail, especially the "main characters," my family.

So, I'm not quite sure where this theme or fascination comes from, but I'm just acknowledging that it's definitely there in the stuff I produce and it is definitely making me think if perhaps we've been too quick to jump to conclusions about the personal lives of those who came before us based solely on their CREATIVE writing...